Awkward Generals
by Prisoner Len
Summary: Sephiroth never was good at being social, and when he stumbles upon a sleeping cadet on guard duty, he shows just how awkward he really is. CxS, mentions of AxZ; Oneshot.


Sephiroth was a third wheel.

Zack had Angeal, Angeal had Zack. Who did Sephiroth have? Himself. Every Shinra event or get together—every _anything_ involving those two—left Sephiroth feeling sorely left out, hurt, and thoroughly confused. It was like he no longer existed to his two closest friends; they'd get to where they were going, and Zack and Angeal would just take off. Leaving Sephiroth standing alone, watching them suck each other's face off, and feeling rather… awkward. Not that he wasn't already awkward or anything—he was a miserable failure in the social department—but these were his _friends_. He had brought the problem up before and Angeal had apologized repeatedly. But Zack? Zack had suggested he get a boyfriend.

Sephiroth had calmly replied that he was not interested in boyfriends.

Both Zack and Angeal had laughed. And then they reminded him of his year-long pursuit of Genesis before the man was sent out on a rather lengthy mission. They then realized Sephiroth thought Zack had meant boy _friends_. They had spent hours trying to explain homosexuality to him, and roughly two hours into the explanation, Zack grew impatient. He pulled Angeal closer, climbed onto his lap, and kissed him on the lips. He then turned to Sephiroth and told him that he and Angeal were gay. The General seemed to understand _that_.

That settled, it was decided Sephiroth most definitely needed a boyfriend. Especially when he began keeping himself locked up in his apartment, under the guise of "not getting in their way". It was obvious to anyone (or really, only Angeal; Zack was hopelessly confused and thought that the General was angry at them) that he was hurt.

That was how what Zack referred to as Operation Get-Sephiroth-Laid-So-He'll-Leave-His-Apartment came to be.

It should have been easy—key word _should_. The General was attractive. And that was about it. He was socially awkward and a completely clueless _mess_. He still didn't understand the point of holidays, birthdays, or keeping healthy sleeping patterns. Nor did he understand how his two friends had sex. He had once asked and promptly gotten a choking Angeal and laughing Zack. And after six failed attempts (including one encounter ending in the cadet being hospitalized for two months) at finding the man a compatible partner, Zack had given up.

And Sephiroth had taken to roaming the hallways of Shinra's headquarters whenever Zack and Angeal were together. He was like a ghost, sneaking up on SOLDIERs and cadets, peering over shoulders to see what people were reading.

That was exactly how he'd come across a blonde cadet leaning against the entrance to one of the laboratories, his eyes shut and head lolling to the side. It was rather late, and the cadet was still in uniform, so Sephiroth assumed he was on guard duty. But why were his eyes closed? Frowning, he leaned forward slightly and waved his hand in front of the cadet's face. The blonde didn't budge and Sephiroth cocked his head to the side in confusion; how the hell was that cadet standing up if he was asleep? He straightened up and put one hand on his hip, then looked down the hall. It was completely empty and a few lights flickered eerily.

He turned back to the cadet and rubbed his chin in thought. Cadets weren't allowed to sleep on duty, he knew that for sure. But this one… This one looked oddly familiar. Wasn't this Zack's friend? He reached into his pocket and withdrew his phone, staring down at it for a moment and then looking back up at the cadet. He flipped it open, snapped a picture, and sent it to Zack, asking if the teen recognized him. He stood there and just stared at the sleeping cadet while he waited. He examined every visible inch of the blonde hair, and was about to reach a hand out to touch the spikes to see if the cadet used some form of gel when his phone shook in his grip. It vibrated again, then again, and the cadet mumbled in his sleep. Sephiroth quickly flipped it open and put it up to his ear, keeping one eye on the cadet as he did so.

"Heeeey, you found Spike!" Zack shrieked into the phone excitedly. "Let me talk to him!"

"He is asleep." the General whispered back, edging away from the cadet.

Zack was silent for a moment and Sephiroth could hear Angeal sucking on Zack's neck.

…It was uncomfortably _awkward_. "Zackary, your friend is asleep on guard duty." he repeated slightly louder.

"He's asleep on guard—" Zack stopped abruptly and groaned. "Look, Seph, he's had a rough week! He was sick with that flu that was going around, and I'm pretty sure he gets bullied—"

"Our cadets are bullied?" Sephiroth interrupted with a frown, examining the blonde cadet again.

"Well, _yeah_." the teen answered as though it was the most well-known fact on the planet. "Just—Just go easy on him, alright?"

"I never said I was going to punish—" He stopped talking mid-sentence and cocked an eyebrow. Bright blue eyes were staring back at him in a confused and fear-stricken daze. "Oh. He is awake."

"Let me tal—"

Sephiroth snapped the phone shut before the raven-haired SOLDIER could finish and crept closer to the cadet. Who proceeded to slam himself into the wall and gawk at him. A leather encased hand extended to the blonde and if Sephiroth hadn't been so damn awkward, he may have attempted a smile. "I am Sephiroth." he stated slowly.

The blonde just stared at him. Sephiroth ran through the mental list of things Angeal had once told him were polite and quickly picked one. "Your hair smells like lilacs."

The petrifying fear in those bright blue eyes quickly turned into complete dumbfounded confusion and the teen squeaked a small, "Huh?"

"Angeal says it is polite to compliment a person's scent." Sephiroth explained with a frown; had he complimented incorrectly? Realizing that he may have offended the cadet, he blurted yet another statement from Angeal's List of Compliments. "I would like to eat you out."

"Y-You—_What_?" the cadet squawked, once again slamming himself into the wall and gawking at the General.

He looked like he was about to wet himself.

And Sephiroth had absolutely no idea why.

"Tell me your name." he demanded, looming over the cowering cadet.

The teen stumbled into a salute, his entire body trembling. "C-C-Cloud Strife, s-sir."

Sephiroth awkwardly stood there quietly for a moment, head cocked to the side and pinning Cloud with a curious gaze. Then he stuck out his hand again. "I am Sephiroth."

Cloud swallowed hard and took the leather encased hand with his own shaking one. He quickly shook the General's hand, then pulled his hand back and clutched it to his chest, eyes wide. "N-Nice to meet you."

"Why were you sleeping?" the General asked, moving to lean against the wall next to Cloud. He sank down to sit on the floor and craned his neck to look up at the cadet.

"I-I wasn't feeling well this past week." Cloud explained shyly, inching away from the silver-haired man on the floor. "So I didn't get much sleep."

"Oh." Sephiroth examined the far wall with a frown, tapping his knee with his fingertips, then climbed to his feet in a rush. "Can I take you home, Cloud?"

"But I have guard—"

"You are dismissed." the General cut him off quickly, crossing his arms.

"O-Oh. Okay. U-Um, sure."

Sephiroth gestured down the hallway and took off at a brisk pace, Cloud stumbling along behind him and trying to keep up. He jabbed the up button on the elevator twice, then stood there and glared at the doors. Cloud cast nervous sideways glances at his General, wondering if he was about to be punished for sleeping on guard duty. Zack had told him over and over not to because if he did, he'd be punished—and punishment was never good at Shinra. The doors finally slid open and Sephiroth put his hand on Cloud's back and nudged him into the elevator, then stepped in and hit the button for the 46th floor.

Cloud frowned; the 46th floor wasn't where the barracks were. In fact, if he recalled correctly, that was the floor Zack lived on. "U-Um, sir? The barracks aren't on the 46th floor."

Sephiroth cocked an eyebrow at him and frowned. "Why would we be going to the barracks?"

"You asked if you could take me ho—_Oh_." Cloud's eyes widened significantly and his jaw dropped as he realized that the General had invited him _home_—_not_ to the barracks.

"Is there a problem?" the older man asked. He had the feeling he had somehow offended his new-found friend again.

The cadet quickly shook his head, taking small steps towards the opposing side of the elevator. He was going to Sephiroth's apartment? Why? Was he going to be thrown out the window and sent to an early demise on the piss-covered streets of Midgar? No, Zack wouldn't let that happen—he and the General were _friends_!

And then paranoia set in.

And Cloud wondered if Zack had spilled his biggest secret to the General.

By the time the elevator came to a grinding halt and let out a resounding ding before the doors slid open, Cloud was once again cowering against the wall, and Sephiroth was completely oblivious to the teen's fear. He led Cloud down the hallway, briefly pausing in front of a door and pressing his ear against it. Shrugging, he continued down the hall and stopped in front of another door with a plaque with his name on it placed on the wall next to the door frame. He fished a key out of his pocket, jammed it into the lock, then flung the door open and flicked on the light.

"Are you hungry?" he called over his shoulder. He didn't wait for Cloud to answer and disappeared through a doorway at the other end of the large room.

Cloud considered just turning and taking off down the hallway. He figured he could make it at least into the elevator before the General noticed he was gone, but as he stood there in the hallway, peering into the elegant and well-furnished apartment, he could hear the approaching footsteps of likely another SOLDIER. One that would probably want to know why he was standing in front of the General's apartment. He glanced back down the hall, and sure enough, a man in a SOLDIER's uniform rounded the corner. He rushed into the apartment, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. Hesitantly, he took a few steps further into the living room and sat on the very edge of the couch, looking around with wide eyes.

In the kitchen, Sephiroth was rummaging through his cupboards and refrigerator, his cell phone pressed between his shoulder and ear. His hand bumped a container of leftover Wutaian and he took it out with a triumphant grin.

"Hello?"

"Angeal, I have a date. Do cadets like leftover Wutaian?" he asked, setting the container on the counter and opening it.

"You have a _date_?" Angeal repeated incredulously. A surprised "with _who_?" came from Zack. "With who?"

"Zackary's cadet friend." the General replied smugly. He poked the leftovers and frowned when they _wiggled_. "When did I last have Wutain? Is this still good?"

"I didn't even know you _liked_ Wutaian." Angeal commented, pushing Zack's grabbing hands away. "Why not just watch a movie?"

"I can not just watch a movie and not feed him, Angeal." Sephiroth replied matter-of-factly, rolling his eyes. "I told him I want to eat him out. It would be rude."

"…You told him _what_?" Angeal roared into the phone. "Seph—What—Do you even know what that _means_?"

"That I would like to eat dinner with him?" Sephiroth tried, frowning down at the counter. Angeal _never_ yelled at him. Ever. "Have I done something wrong? What does it mean?"

"Eating out is—Well, it's—" Angeal heaved a sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Do _not_ say that to people, Sephiroth. If you want them to eat _with_ you, say so."

"But he is in the living room and he is hungry." He paused, and reconsidered his statement, then quickly added, "I think. He did not answer when I asked if he was hungry."

"Then just watch a movie." Angeal suggested. "And _don't_ tell him you want to eat him out."

Sephiroth blinked, still confused and rather curious to know what he had _really_ said. "Okay. We can watch that movie about the fox and—"

"No!" Zack wailed, prying the phone from Angeal. "Watch something scary. He hates scary movies. Watch—Watch that movie about the cave with the monsters."

"But why should I watch a scary movie if—"

"Because," Zack whined. "If you watch a scary movie, he'll want to be held!" There was a brief pause, then, "And Seph?"

"Yes?"

"If you hurt Cloud, I'll hurt your face." the teen threatened lowly. "I'm serious, Seph. Don't push him to do anything or you'll regret it."

There was a click and a dial tone, and Sephiroth was left standing in his kitchen with a thoroughly amused look on his face; the idea of Zack hurting him in any way was honestly rather humorous. Fortunately, Sephiroth had no plans to push the cadet to do anything. He shrugged and shoved his phone back into his pocket, heading back to the living room. Cloud jerked his gaze from the wall to the approaching General and nearly fell off of the couch in his attempt to move further away. Sephiroth kneeled in front of the TV, pushed the power button, and turned on the DVD player. Grabbing the controllers for both, he stepped over the coffee table and slammed himself down on the couch, kicking his feet up onto the small table. The second the movie menu came on, Cloud stiffened and he stared at the TV, his mouth working wordlessly.

They were watching a horror movie.

A fucking horror movie.

If there had ever been a chance for Cloud to look like a complete wuss in front of his General and hero, this was it. Hell, he slept with a nightlight and was positive a monster lived in Zack's hall closet. There was no way he'd get through a horror movie. Absolutely no—

"Cloud," Sephiroth spoke up once the movie started. "You can sit closer if you would like. I will not bite."

The teen scooted a hair of an inch closer, not even turning to look at the man. His phone vibrated against his leg, and he let out a startled squeak before yanking it out of his pocket. He glanced at Sephiroth—who was glaring at the TV screen—then flipped the phone open to see a text from Zack.

_Don't sweat it, Spike. He's a little awkward, but he's not a bad guy._

Cloud glowered at the words on the screen and continued reading.

_Just tell him no if he gets too touchy. Enjoy your date!_

He nearly snorted at that; like the General would ever get too—

Sephiroth leaned closer to him, wrapped one arm around his shoulders, and _dragged_ him across the couch.

"U-Um, sir?" he whispered, squirming slightly under the weight of the man's arm.

"Yes?"

Cloud took a few deep breaths and turned to look up at Sephiroth. Piercing green eyes peered back down at him, and he bit his lip. "Zack called this a d-date…"

"Isn't it?" Sephiroth asked, slowly raising an eyebrow. "I apologize if you did not want to go on—"

"N-No, it's fine." the cadet murmured, blushing and looking away.

Sephiroth smiled down at him and curled his fingers around Cloud's shoulder before returning his attention to the movie. "Zackary and Angeal told me I needed a boyfriend." he mused. "And Zack did not think I could find myself one."

"B-B-_Boyfriend_?" Cloud spluttered, gawking at the General.

"Well, yes." Sephiroth replied, turning to Cloud once again. "We _are_ dating now, correct?"

"No fucking way."

The General's expression immediately fell into a frown and he removed his arm from the cadet's shoulders. "I apologize. I'm not very good with social situations and I thought you—"

Cloud clumsily climbed onto the man's lap and planted a sloppy kiss on his lips. He pulled back a little and swallowed hard. "Your eyes are really strange." he pointed out quietly after a moment. "L-Like a cat's."

"Do they bother you?" Sephiroth asked, averting his gaze. "I can get contacts if you want—"

"No." Cloud breathed, shaking his head. "I love them. I…" He paused, twirling a lock of silver hair in his fingers. "I love you."

The General's gaze flickered back and he tilted his head slightly. "You are adorably awkward."

"I guess we go together great, then." Cloud laughed with a smile.

"Like toast and cucumbers?" Sephiroth offered, smiling back.

The cadet cocked an eyebrow at the comparison. "…Sure."

The General's smile widened and he placed a messy kiss on Cloud's cheek. Cloud laughed again and kissed him on the lips, then twisted and turned until he was finally leaning against the man's chest and facing the TV. Sephiroth wrapped his arms around Cloud, and the blonde had to bite his tongue not to laugh at just how _awkward_ the whole situation was. Sure, Sephiroth was more than a little socially… handicapped. But Cloud wasn't exactly the master of words, and he honestly couldn't care less right at that moment.

* * *

><p><strong>So. Awkward.<strong>

**I don't know what I was doing with this. I have a love/hate relationship with it, and they're both OOC. Sorry for how sappy the ending is. And... yea, that's about it. Thanks to ShadesOfImagination for reading this before I posted it and letting me know that Sephiroth was indeed awkward. lol  
><strong>

**Thanks for reading. Leave me a review, please~**


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